I chose this title because that's what I want you to do when you come here. This is a place to share my thoughts and experiences. A record of my journey. A place to share what I see about God, and I would be honored if you would come and watch with me.

Statue of Clay?
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Romans 7 (a new perspective)
For a long time, more like all my life I viewed myself as a "good Christian" a hard working, self controlled individual that had a good outlook on the world. I had flaws, but they were small and understandable. I was proud of my humbleness. And for the most part I did good enough to stay in good with God. I was very comfortable here, because I had convinced myself that I was sincere and really did the big things that I was expected to do.
Then little by little I noticed how highly I thought of myself. So i thought "oh, no big deal, I'll just ask God to make me humble" That's when everything crashed. Because God did something I didn't expect. He answered my prayer. I thought the mere act of praying for humbleness was humbleness enough. But it wasn't, and God had something bigger planned for me.
I expected humbleness to be something that was just given to me. I didn't realize that I would actually have to be humbled. So began the process. I began to fail at things that I had previously succeeded at, sins that I had previously held "under control" began to take control of me, and I didn't have the "spiritual feeling" that I had before.
You would think that at this point I would repent and turn to Christ, but I'm to stubborn for that. I id start reading my Bible more. I even gave up lots of things that I enjoyed so that I could get back on Gods "good side" it worked too. But then I thought it was all good, so I stopped reading and praying, then fell right back where I was before. This cycle went on and on for seemingly forever! I've always thought that the Israelites must be so dumb to keep forgetting God repenting then forgetting Him again and again. Until I realized I was doing the same thing. The reason I stayed in this cycle for so long was because I was only focused on myself. I would turn to God because I was miserable without Him, but as soon as I felt good again I stopped feeling like I needed Him.
Eventually I realized what God had been telling me for so long. Everything can't be about me! In fact nothing is! This is something I'm still learning, but that was the first time I really felt it instead of just "knowing it."
So now everything's good right? I wish.... My perspective had changed and it was wonderful! I began seeking God to know Him, and give glory to Him simply because He deserved it. I wanted to be in love with God and have every fiber of my being addicted to God. Reality check....I wasn't. But my ambition was to be and so I strove for it, and failed, then despaired. Then I tried again, failed, and got depressed again because I couldn't do it. I had fallen into a new cycle that was just as frustrating as the former if not more so. I couldn't help but wonder what was wrong. Was it wrong to want to love God perfectly with every part of me? If not then why did it seem so hopeless?
This is the state I was in when I read Romans chapter 7, then heard a sermon series about it from John Piper. This is when I realized two things. 1.I am wretched, and I have no ability to do good. 2. Though sin has been defeated it has not been destroyed, and it still remains within us, which means that defeat is a part of the Christian life. And it will be until we are glorified.
Because of this my out look has changed. Now I see myself as a lowly servant dependent on God for victory. I don't accept sin as something that is just part of my life and so it's ok, but I will not despair when it does get the upper hand or give up because of it. Instead I confess my weakness and cry out to God for strength and mercy.
Living this way has done a few things for me. It makes God so much more beautiful and precious to me. It keeps me from dwelling in defeat, and it gives me hope. I still want to be completely in love with God and be perfect, but I realize my weakness and need for a Saviour. Best of all it creates in me a longing for the day when I will be completely sanctified.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Quitter? or learner?
But I don't think it was just what happened yesterday. I think it was the culmination of lots of things. I've never been responsible for this many things before. There's only one day of the week I'm not going somewhere, and to get that day I have to miss a basketball practice. I feel pressure as one of the older guys on the team and as the point guard (basically the quarterback of a basketball team) to make sure that our team gets better and that the many young players improve, but also feel accepted. And at our first game I feel like I kinda let my team down. Then I have soccer which adds pressure cause I'm still learning so much about it. Sometimes I want to quit, but it's the only thing I get to do with my little brother Philip (please pray for him) So I'll stay. At least one day a week, many times two I work for a grass cutting company weed-eating. You would not believe how particular some people are about their yards, and how many things there are to mess up. So I have to concentrate pretty much the whole time I'm working or I'll mess something up. And lastly I have my responsibility our chapter chair. I won't go into detail, but I really want want to excite these people about public speaking, make it fun and relevant, impacting and useful. I want them to see how important it is. Of course I could name other thins that add stress and buy out my time, but I think you get the idea. I love being flexible, spontaneous, and free flowing, but with this much to do there isn't much room for that , at least not what I"m used to. Or would like, so this adds to my frustration.
Now please, don't consider this to be an oh me pity party. It's not, really it isn't. I understand and take full responsibility for my schedule. I just wanted to give a little back ground to set up what I'm about to say
Yesterday I wanted to give up, thumb my nose at the world, say good luck, and go crawl into my favorite hollow tree, where I could just sit, watch the pond, think, and write. But of course I was to busy to do that. Through all this I knew God was good, I knew it! For true. But I didn't feel it. I told myself all the things I would want to tell someone else. "God is good, He still loves you, He's in control, and that's all that matters. He will make all things good" But just knowing these things didn't help. And I believe them, I really do. So why didn't this solve my problems?
This question reminded me of a conversation my dad and I had soon after I read "The problem of Pain" He asked me if I learned anything. I told that I had gotten a better grasp of the need for pain. Then he asked me if that would help to soothe any pain that I would feel. I realized that it wouldn't. You see just because you know why pain exists, or even believing that it's good for you won't make the pain less painful, it can't. Knowing and even believing that God is in control doesn't make the trial any less of a trial. Sometimes we need to feel pain. We always look for a way out of it, something to make our pain go away, when many times the thing we need most is to really feel pain, to be overcome by it, to surrender to it, and recognize our hopeless state apart from our faithful and beautiful God. Pain hurts, and it's not fun. Many times we feel abandoned by God when we feel pain, because it seems as though He doesn't hear us, or He would make it all better. But He doesn't because He loves us and knows it's best for us. And really I think it hurts Him as much, or more than it hurts us. I think one thing that would do us good to remember is that pain doesn't mean we've been abandoned or let down, it just means we're growing.
(♫There's a light at the end of this tunnel
shining bright at the end of this tunnel for you
for you)
Philippians 4:13
I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
A peanut butter and jelly sandwich
As we were getting ready to leave my mom was talking to one of the moms there (who was also in our chapter) As it turns out the lady needed a ride for her daughter to the chapter meeting, so mom was like "We can take her" The other lady then realized that she didn't have any food for her daughter, and mom told her "oh! we have an extra one!" Then they were both like "that is such a God thing!"
As I sat there listening I thought to myself "it's just a sandwich....good grief, we just happened to make an extra one, not a big deal, God is isn't so trivial as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!" Then I realized, He is! There is nothing to small for God, because nothing is hard, He's not too busy to worry about it, because He's never tired. It doesn't take much to show that He's real. To a parent having a hard day an extra pb&j reminds them that He's real. God cares about our "insignificant" needs. He does work through the little things, He works all things for good!
So often I'm looking so hard for "deep truths" or "big signs" that I miss the small but just as important truths and blessings that God has to offer. He is a complete God, and an Amazing God.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Journey
Before us lies a path not often traveled. As a result you won't meet many people on it. The other path has many travelers, but very few would you actually meet (their much too busy doing nothing) The path for you is hard. It's been quite long since anyone has traveled it, so it probably won't even look like a path anymore. It's a long path, through uncharted lands. Many times you'll be tempted to leave it, and you will have many opportunities to do so. But if you stay true, your reward wil be greater than you can imagine.
You must be willing to walk alone.
You will meet many people crossing this path, but few will remain.
(You must be willing to walk alone)
You may meet other dedicated to traveling this path.
(But you must be willing to walk alone)
They may even travel with you.
(But you must be willing to walk alone)
If fate decides to give you a companions then they will be sweeter than anything you've known
(But you must be willing to walk alone)
Remember to be good to those you meet, remember to stay on the path, remember to run with endurance, remember to run with joy, remember to not lose heart, remember to carry your banner with pride, and I could tell you many other things to remember. But above all, never forget that you must always be willing to walk alone.
P.S. (You will never be alone)
Monday, September 6, 2010
Psalm 118:7 (pondering)
This verse makes me think. Often times in my prayer I'll find myself saying things that I know to be true, or asking for things that I really want (or at least I think I do) And then I'll stop, and pray for God to help me really mean what I say, to be sincere. Even though I believe what I say as much as I know how, and still I feel as though I'm insincere. I praise God, but still I pray that I would be sincere (does this make you sincere?)
I think of great thinkers such as Aristotle (I think) C.S. Lewis, John Piper, and others who affirm the idea that everything that we do as humans is in pursuit of pleasure for ourselves, and for our happiness. Does this remain true for Christians? I think it does, at least most of the time. If so, does it interfere with true sincerity?
This verse says ""I will praise You...... when I learn your judgments" As if to say that we can't really be sincere until we "learn His righteous judgments" This must mean more than just "being saved" or having head knowledge of God, for certainly the author had these.
If indeed it's true that as of yet my praise is not truly sincere, then does this mean that God doesn't accept it? I can't fathom this to be true. If Go brings me to the point where I delight to praise Him, for whatever reason then I believe He will be glorified by it.
There does seem to be times when I'll talk to God and say words without even the desire to be sincere. These times I must fight against, But I don't think the verse refers to these times.
It may be that we cannot, due to our sinful nature praise God sincerely until we are glorified, but of all things that I don't know or am unsure of, I know this. My duty is to praise God with whatever sincerity (or lack of) He has given me. What else can I do?
What a joy to be able to praise God from a sincere heart! Apart from any selfish desire. Simply because it's right, and good.
Glory be to God.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Stand I alone,
yet not alone, but freed
to be a slave to my love
why then do I stand here alone?
Stand:
swim, and fly, and fight
fight, for you have been freed from chains
and when you fight you will fail
taken captive again to be made a slave
Fear:
I feel it now full well
For I have failed now, {rescue me}
Why did you set me free? and release my chains?
Where did you go? While I tried to swim?
Enslave me again with your love
(I have failed)
Return:
Look from where you lay
Remember what you know, now what you feel
Freed you are from love
For love is a choice
choose then your slavery
Here:
This is the moment
Not a moment, but the moment
For to fight is to fail, to swim, to sink
But to run is safety, safety enchained
To fight is freedom, freedom in death
Arise:
For through failure you have freedom
and through death you have life
Stronger chains you will be given
For fear has brought you trust
And through your trust, slavery
Run:
I will run
And I will fall
Falling makes me strong
For I was freed from prison
So that I could become enslaved
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Lessons from the Rain
Look out the window "oh, it's still raining, I think I'll go play in it." I stepped outside and at first it was a little uncomfortable, cold, foreign. But I continued. And the more I walked the more it rained, and the more I gave into it. Then it started raining harder and I grew more wet than dry. Up to this point I had been clinging to my being dry and fighting the thought of being wet. But then there was a point where I surrendered to it's wetness and embraced it. What followed was a culmination of freedom, awe, wonder, and pure joy. I began to run, now saturated and clean, enjoying a world just as saturated as I was. I felt clean, and free, and powerful. (not in a greedy or prideful way) but the way you feel whenever you've just overcome something powerful, either that or surrendered to something even more powerful. The rest of my time in the rain was spent in a childish irrational joy.
As all this was happening I thought of how this experience was the same as my walk with God both at conversion and my constant surrenders. I get dirty without realizing it. ( I didn't realize how dirty I was until I came in from the rain and felt clean) So God sends the Rain to clean me. At first it's uncomfortable, even painful at times, but the more it rains the more I surrender to it. Because I can't Because I can't be cleaned until it covers every part of me. Then at last I surrender to it. And when I've finally surrendered to Him I feel free, powerful, irrationally joyful! I feel as though I've finally become part of the real. These are only a few of the thoughts that came to me on my walk, it was quite a blessing :)
Love songs
I realized just how much people in this world want to be able to love something fully and unashamedly with all of their being, this was clearly displayed in the songs I heard.
The devastating reality however is that we all to often look in the wrong places, I look in the wrong places. God is the only one who can receive the full force of our love and not be overwhelmed. He is the only one that we can really love fully! All the love that we restrain from people for their sake or for ours can be unleashed on God! Yet so few realize this. One thing that I think really comes out in secular love songs is the desire to love something fully, and this is a powerful thing when directed in the right place.
Here are a few of the songs that I listened to, and if you choose to listen to them imagine singing them to God, or even perhaps God singing them to you.
- Secondhand serenade- "Your call"
- dashboard confessional- "Stolen"
- Boys like girls- "Thunder"
- Lonestar- "Amazed"
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Music
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Gods Chisel
Monday, August 9, 2010
To live....
God is.....He just is. God took me, and even though i was His enemy chose for some reason to reconcile me to Himself. He is the great provider, the only source of true and lastin joy. He is the well that never runs dry, and the healer of the broken. He is my father, my master, my King, my Savior, and my mentor. He's really big. He's so righteous, and so loving. He is not only everything that we need, but He's everything we have! God is the only source we should look to for approval. Though He calls us to be holy, He is excited by our feeblest efforts. Our Father has given Himself in order to save us. And one day He will call us home to be with Him forever, then we will see His face, and He will pour out His unrestrained love upon us. And we will be able to accept it.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Of Rivers and Dams
A consuming flowing river held back for far too long.
Behind the dam it rages longing to be released, longing to be free
And yet it yields itself to the dam for the sake of those in the valley,
Those too weak to withstand the force of its power
This is my burden, my gift, my commission
The greatness of such must be held back for the safety of the valley
And the ocean
For if the river was to be released it would consume those in the valley
And drain the ocean, leaving it dry, and empty
This beautiful water would be wasted and depleted
Yet soon the water will swell to great for the dam to hold
It was meant to guide the ocean, to direct and protect it, not to hold it back
The rains are coming
Where can be found an outlet able to withstand the force of the wave
Is there any strong enough to sustain the force of a rushing this powerful?
Is there none but the very outlet that now fills the ocean?
Where are the plants that need the rushing of water? That can stand it?
When will the dam learn to tame the ocean?
Should it be tamed?
When learned to be tamed this ocean will cleanse the land
It will water the wilted and dying trees
It will a refreshing spring and a powerful protector
For the fulfillment of this I wait, and I strive
Until at last it can be trusted to give life not death and hope not fear
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
the result of many thoughts
Let it come and wash us all away
For we are but waves in the end
Winged creatures now taking flight leaving behind those still learning to fly
Here the paths part, here the songs are sung
The journey now traveled the fight well fought
But though the battle fierce and the journey perilous
The hardest part has yet to come
For just as the moon sets on the ocean we can see its path in the water
But there’s no going back
The wind is rising, taking us home to our places of dwelling
Memories lost, but not forgotten
Vows broken, yet never made
Take me away!!!
Show me how to fly, and how to trust the air
Run to the valley for therein is danger, and in danger, safety
Bring the storm to test courage!
The fire to test the metal!
Until at last there is nothing left but that which is pure and right
Leave me where I fall, for I know the way, but I must learn the path
Leave a candle at the door cause I know the warmth it brings
And it calls to me
Then bring the rain, so that in know it’s real
I'm not sure really what it means...it's more the compilation of many meanings. I'm not really sure what it is either. But I pray that somehow God may use it to bless you through His great power.
Monday, July 26, 2010
boys week 3 missions camp 2!
boys week 2 Missions camp!!! :)
Boys week 1 Dicipleship week!
weekends at the park
Support staff week!!!!!
Staff training
The beggining
Friday, May 21, 2010
And so it begins...
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.
Colossians 3:1-3