This is an overview of kinda what I've been going through since the last time I've been on here....
For a long time, more like all my life I viewed myself as a "good Christian" a hard working, self controlled individual that had a good outlook on the world. I had flaws, but they were small and understandable. I was proud of my humbleness. And for the most part I did good enough to stay in good with God. I was very comfortable here, because I had convinced myself that I was sincere and really did the big things that I was expected to do.
Then little by little I noticed how highly I thought of myself. So i thought "oh, no big deal, I'll just ask God to make me humble" That's when everything crashed. Because God did something I didn't expect. He answered my prayer. I thought the mere act of praying for humbleness was humbleness enough. But it wasn't, and God had something bigger planned for me.
I expected humbleness to be something that was just given to me. I didn't realize that I would actually have to be humbled. So began the process. I began to fail at things that I had previously succeeded at, sins that I had previously held "under control" began to take control of me, and I didn't have the "spiritual feeling" that I had before.
You would think that at this point I would repent and turn to Christ, but I'm to stubborn for that. I id start reading my Bible more. I even gave up lots of things that I enjoyed so that I could get back on Gods "good side" it worked too. But then I thought it was all good, so I stopped reading and praying, then fell right back where I was before. This cycle went on and on for seemingly forever! I've always thought that the Israelites must be so dumb to keep forgetting God repenting then forgetting Him again and again. Until I realized I was doing the same thing. The reason I stayed in this cycle for so long was because I was only focused on myself. I would turn to God because I was miserable without Him, but as soon as I felt good again I stopped feeling like I needed Him.
Eventually I realized what God had been telling me for so long. Everything can't be about me! In fact nothing is! This is something I'm still learning, but that was the first time I really felt it instead of just "knowing it."
So now everything's good right? I wish.... My perspective had changed and it was wonderful! I began seeking God to know Him, and give glory to Him simply because He deserved it. I wanted to be in love with God and have every fiber of my being addicted to God. Reality check....I wasn't. But my ambition was to be and so I strove for it, and failed, then despaired. Then I tried again, failed, and got depressed again because I couldn't do it. I had fallen into a new cycle that was just as frustrating as the former if not more so. I couldn't help but wonder what was wrong. Was it wrong to want to love God perfectly with every part of me? If not then why did it seem so hopeless?
This is the state I was in when I read Romans chapter 7, then heard a sermon series about it from John Piper. This is when I realized two things. 1.I am wretched, and I have no ability to do good. 2. Though sin has been defeated it has not been destroyed, and it still remains within us, which means that defeat is a part of the Christian life. And it will be until we are glorified.
Because of this my out look has changed. Now I see myself as a lowly servant dependent on God for victory. I don't accept sin as something that is just part of my life and so it's ok, but I will not despair when it does get the upper hand or give up because of it. Instead I confess my weakness and cry out to God for strength and mercy.
Living this way has done a few things for me. It makes God so much more beautiful and precious to me. It keeps me from dwelling in defeat, and it gives me hope. I still want to be completely in love with God and be perfect, but I realize my weakness and need for a Saviour. Best of all it creates in me a longing for the day when I will be completely sanctified.
