But I don't think it was just what happened yesterday. I think it was the culmination of lots of things. I've never been responsible for this many things before. There's only one day of the week I'm not going somewhere, and to get that day I have to miss a basketball practice. I feel pressure as one of the older guys on the team and as the point guard (basically the quarterback of a basketball team) to make sure that our team gets better and that the many young players improve, but also feel accepted. And at our first game I feel like I kinda let my team down. Then I have soccer which adds pressure cause I'm still learning so much about it. Sometimes I want to quit, but it's the only thing I get to do with my little brother Philip (please pray for him) So I'll stay. At least one day a week, many times two I work for a grass cutting company weed-eating. You would not believe how particular some people are about their yards, and how many things there are to mess up. So I have to concentrate pretty much the whole time I'm working or I'll mess something up. And lastly I have my responsibility our chapter chair. I won't go into detail, but I really want want to excite these people about public speaking, make it fun and relevant, impacting and useful. I want them to see how important it is. Of course I could name other thins that add stress and buy out my time, but I think you get the idea. I love being flexible, spontaneous, and free flowing, but with this much to do there isn't much room for that , at least not what I"m used to. Or would like, so this adds to my frustration.
Now please, don't consider this to be an oh me pity party. It's not, really it isn't. I understand and take full responsibility for my schedule. I just wanted to give a little back ground to set up what I'm about to say
Yesterday I wanted to give up, thumb my nose at the world, say good luck, and go crawl into my favorite hollow tree, where I could just sit, watch the pond, think, and write. But of course I was to busy to do that. Through all this I knew God was good, I knew it! For true. But I didn't feel it. I told myself all the things I would want to tell someone else. "God is good, He still loves you, He's in control, and that's all that matters. He will make all things good" But just knowing these things didn't help. And I believe them, I really do. So why didn't this solve my problems?
This question reminded me of a conversation my dad and I had soon after I read "The problem of Pain" He asked me if I learned anything. I told that I had gotten a better grasp of the need for pain. Then he asked me if that would help to soothe any pain that I would feel. I realized that it wouldn't. You see just because you know why pain exists, or even believing that it's good for you won't make the pain less painful, it can't. Knowing and even believing that God is in control doesn't make the trial any less of a trial. Sometimes we need to feel pain. We always look for a way out of it, something to make our pain go away, when many times the thing we need most is to really feel pain, to be overcome by it, to surrender to it, and recognize our hopeless state apart from our faithful and beautiful God. Pain hurts, and it's not fun. Many times we feel abandoned by God when we feel pain, because it seems as though He doesn't hear us, or He would make it all better. But He doesn't because He loves us and knows it's best for us. And really I think it hurts Him as much, or more than it hurts us. I think one thing that would do us good to remember is that pain doesn't mean we've been abandoned or let down, it just means we're growing.
(♫There's a light at the end of this tunnel
shining bright at the end of this tunnel for you
for you)
